jump* 

When I was in Bangkok last month, I managed to catch Larry King Live in the hotel room. In that particular show, the controversial documentary “The Bridge” by Eric Steel was featured. The documentary showcases footages of 24 suicidal jumps at the Golden Gate Bridge in the year 2004. Some of those footages were shown as well as interviews with families of victims and also one bloke who actually survived his leap of death.

The whole show brought me back to my own case. The year was 2002 and I was in the deepest pit of my own depression. Both my personal life and career were going downhill. One by one, things just went wrong. My mum passed away suddenly. 6 months after, my 7 ½ year relationship crashed. I had a super bitchy boss. I was broke. I felt hopeless. Useless. Stupid. And ugly. I hated what I see in the mirror. I felt even more depressed knowing that I was depressed. Worst of all, I felt God had abandoned me and all the promises bestowed upon me were just plain old lies. It was a long dark tunnel with no trace of light at the end. I saw no reason to continue living. And everytime I was at the edge of my 10th floor apartment balcony, I heard coaxing voices cheering me to jump.

As I have the tendency to think too much, I thought of the repercussions if I did jump... Definitely my body would be smashed to pieces and the Indon cleaner downstairs would have to clean up the mess. As I am also a neat freak, the thought of having someone to clean up my bodily mess just kills me. And I couldn't stand the idea of my brain end up squashed like tomato puree. So that stopped me for a while.

But finally one day, after having gone through the depression for 4 months, I felt that I had had enough and mess or no mess, I was gonna do it. As I was standing at the balcony, apologizing to God for the action that I was going to partake, I heard a sarcastic, sniggering voice instead.

“You want to jump ah? Go ahead! Be my guest. This problem of yours ah, it’s just a piece of cake la. You have gone through worst shit before this, like [examples snipped], but God helped you sailed through them, didn’t He? And for this molehill you want to jump ah? Then jump la. But before you jump, think about this – If you can’t take this simple, passing shit, do you think you could endure the fires of hell for ETERNITY!?”

The words 'ETERNITY' and 'fires of hell' caught my attention. Being an uncommitted person when it comes to anything long-term, eternity seemed extremely, extremely like a very long time. And the ‘fires of hell’ spelled hot and sweaty discomfort. It was then, I realized that jumping down to end my life was never an option. And those words still scare me till today.

So when I saw footages of those people who actually took the plunge, I felt sad for them. Sad because maybe they didn’t have the opportunity to know God, hence no such voice to throw some cow sense their way at those crucial moments.

Looking back at my life back then and what it is now, I can honestly say I am truly blessed for this second chance in life. God continues to honour His promises to me via a prophesy which said He will give me all my heart’s desires if I honour Him. That's why I love Him so, more than I can ever imagine. God is so good. All the time. Really. Get to know Him today. He never disappoints.
November 23, 2006 // anjali* pranced on tip-toes all over the keyboard at 11:06 am
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