panic on the airwaves* 

One of my favourite bands during my teens was The Smiths, with frontman Morrissey. I still remember the first time I saw him on Top Of The Pops – he had a short tree branch hanging out from his right jeans pocket, and he was swinging around in lame circles singing ‘The Boy With The Thorn In His Side’. That particular geek-twirl totally sworn me over. Even as I write this, I can still remember that bop vividly. As though it was engraved on my memory bank.

But it was the song ‘Panic’ which I liked most. This song is so good, even Pete Yorn did a cover of it. A slower, melancholic version. Sometimes I wish I could personally execute on the last bit of the song especially on the part about hanging the DJs, whenever I hear the bad ones yapping away on the radio with their utter crap. Not to mention their trivial pursuit to crack jokes with their hideous sense of humor. Or lack of it.

And Morrissey sings…

Burn down the disco radio
Hang the blessed DJ
Because the music that they constantly play
It says nothing to me about my life
Hang the blessed DJ
Because the music they constantly play
Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ
Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ
Hang the DJ, hang the DJ, hang the DJ

If the radio DJs are so bad, then listen to the CD player la, you may quipped. Well, here’s where the problem lies – I am cheaper than cheap. If I have to choose a middle name, it would be ‘cheap’. And one of the consequences I have to bear from being cheap is the lack of a CD player in my car. And the cassette player has a mind of its own. Lunatic at most times. Hence, I am left to the mercy of the radio DJs as my only source of morning and evening crucifixion entertainment while crawling to and from work.

And honestly I have no problem with the medium itself. In fact, radio listening used to be an intense hobby of mine since I was 9 years old. At that time, the choice was obvious - RAAF Radio Station [RAAF = Royal Australian Air Force] which was based in Butterworth. I would definitely place it as my all-time favourite radio station. All the DJs works in the Air Force and a handful took turn to play the songs. This was where I was influenced to Aussie music; in the likes of Mental as Anything, John Farnham, INXS, Air Supply, Hot Chocolate and many more. I liked the Sundays’ Top 40 hits the best - 3 hours of 40 non-stop hits. The DJs were really smooth and faultless. I remember crying when they had to stop the transmission back in the late 80s.

The nearest competitor at that time was Radio 4 with the irritating and self-absorbed Janet Ambrose. She was so funny that the sole laughter for all her attempt of jokes was her own. And even that sounded forced. She’s so in love with her voice that she yakked even after the song has started. If there’s one word to describe her, it’s PAINFUL. Her endless yakking is deafening. Since then, I have continued to use her as the benchmark for bad DJs.

And during my teens, I used to wake up at 2.30am every Tuesday to catch ‘The Jolly Good Show’ with John Travis. He was so funny and he has the most contagious laughter. He looked like Santa. I tuned in for the latest Brit hits, so that I’m updated on who has reached the No.1 chart position. Sometimes, I tuned in to the John Peel Show too. I remembered when he announced that Nik Kershaw’s ‘Wide Boy’ hit the Top 40 charts, I yelled out a chant. I had been rooting for that song to be out as a single for the longest time then. I used all those chart toppers info to anticipate the upcoming performances for the next month’s Top of the Pops, which I rent from the video shop in town every month.

Back to the present, I now listen to only 2 radio stations – RedFM and FlyFM.

RedFM

My favourite morning DJs used to be Tim Ho and Shareena on the Morning Breakfast Show. Initially I thought Tim was a bit too verbose of an Ah Beng for my fancy but like a intractable parasite, he grows on you.

His phone pranks were original. Like when he called an ministry personnel on an alleged UFO sighting on his backyard.

Then there was once when he got his coarse-voice “wifey” calling a vocal teacher hoping to sound like Mariah Carey. Luckily the teacher was very patience. At one point the wife accidentally coughed, which nearly revealed her real gender. The wifey was actually an Indian man!

Then there was the 2-day drama between his hairy “wife” and the staff of a hair removal salon. There was once he called a contest winner and said she won a live cow; which was spontaneous and hilarious.

Sometimes Tim can be funny even without trying. Once he read the morning news of a 7-year old student who got hit by a truck. Thereafter he told the traffic girl, Dom of the news. Being vacuum-filled, she said, “Oh, I hope he is okay.” Silence. After which he replied, “Hello. I said he was hit by a truck la. Of course he didn’t make it la.”

But what really makes him stick out like a sore thumb was the very fact that he has a great taste in music. Very alternative, rock and part-80s. His choices of songs suit me well. Recognise the song “Bad Day” by Daniel Powter, which is now being used as the swan song of booted American Idols this season? That used to be one of Tim’s favourite song. How do I know, you ask? Coz he played it every day for nearly a month la!

Shareena, the partner is equally funny as well. Though she talks a lot, she makes lots of sense. Together, they exude the perfect chemistry with their comments, teasings and pleasantries.

Anyway all that came to an end on the fateful 13 March 2006 when they were replaced by Beauty and The Beast – Nell Ng and David Chew. Honestly, that’s the biggest mistake EVER. If you ask me, I think the show should be called Bodoh and Basi. Bodoh because they say the stupidest things you won’t even wanna hear from a pubescent baboon, lest from 2 so-called “celebs”. Basi because their attempt to tell jokes fall flat all the time and like Janet Ambrose, only they found themselves funny; such action in Malay you would call that lawak basi [stale jokes], which is a degree below lawak lima sen [5 sen jokes]. And they both clamour for attention by trying to be the one to spew more nonsense - an obvious case of LOA [Lack of Attention]. Obviously, they bring the word “irritating” to greater heights.

This is obviously the biggest mistake made by the RedFM management.

Another mistake would be to let Jeevan go. And with that, FlyFM gained. But I will talk about that later.

Anyway, all is not lost. Shareena now hosts the Coffee Shop at 1 – 4 pm every week day, where she plays song requests. And Tim joins Terry on the Evening Show at 4 – 8 pm weekdays and also a Rock Show on Sunday nights.

On the Evening Show, he has started the “Wednesday Acoustics” from 6.15pm - 6.45pm yesterday. On this half-hour session, he will have singer-songwriter guests play live acoustics on air. Personally, I think this is quite brilliant.

Do you know that Tim has written 2 songs? One was about a stupid motorcyclist and the other a jiwang love song. He has performed both songs on Pete Teo’s Songwriter’s Round. The singing bit can pass la. To cari makan, errr that I’m not too sure. Heh.

FlyFM

You cannot imagine my excitement when I heard of Fly Guy’s comeback to the airwaves. He remained my favourite local DJ of all. In fact, I had been a fan since he started in THR (Time Highway Radio) when he partnered with Gerard. They have such chemistry together, it was belly jolly. I still remember the satire they did on Lat’s infamous Hindi heroin with leg stuck on railway line with an on-coming train heading her way and along came the toddy-belching tummy. That was back in 1994 and I can still remember it like I just heard it yesterday.

When Fly left THR to pioneer HitzFM, he was joined by Lil Kev. Though they were an instant hit and ruled the airwaves, I personally thought the chemistry between them was somewhat lukewarm in comparison to him and Gerard. And then they left suddenly, only to be replaced by Jason Lo. Though I liked him as a singer (I loved “Evening News” and even the latest “Operator, The Line Is Dead”) he really sucked big time as a DJ and as a TV Host. I mean, Latte@8 was an insult to anyone’s intelligence. But I digressed.

Back to Fly, I must say that I really loved what he’s doing now on FlyFM. I love the gargantuan superlicious chemistry he’s sharing with Natalie. They are rocking the airwaves right now. They are original, they are quirky, they are quick witted and they are funny. I would rate them 15 out of 10.

Their daily “Who Dis Who Dat” aka “The Answer Is Always C” is just brilliant. On a personal level, FlyFM is not as friendly as he is on the airwaves, but who cares! He rocks the airwaves and that’s all that matters.

Personally, I find him extremely sexy. He’s such a brilliant funny geek, definitely a better looking Woody Allen.

Then there’s Jeevan. Gosh, he is so smooth. No, I am not referring to his head. I am talking about his suave sexy voice. I have heard a coupla men trying to explain their fascination with football and all failed miserably, almost driving you to tears, begging them to stop. But this man talks football in such an interesting manner, you just want him to go on, and on and on... But I am not too keen about his choice of songs though.

Other insignificants:

Ida from RedFM – She’s very sweet and nice and all. But may I suggest you stop those Sunday phone calls to your friends? They are not as exciting as you make them to be…

Rudy & JJ from HitzFM – They are the most insecure voices around. Why? Coz they are nothing but imitators. They wanna pick up from where Fly and Lil Kev left off and gosh, do they fail miserably. And their phone pranks pale in comparison to Tim’s. Even in person, they behaved like they are such big celebs. Please la.

And I wonder why this station still continue to call themselves “HitzFM” when they always play catch-up to other stations on playing the latest hits. Take “You’re Beautiful” by James Blunt for instant, Tim had started playing the song at least 2 months earlier. And only now do they want to start playing Damien Rice’s “The Blower’s Daughter” and advertise that on TV. Boo!

Richard & Shazmin from MixFM – They are beginning to sound passé, especially Richard with this Cina Ah Pek ala Phua Chu Kang is beginning to sound stale. But they are keeping strong. Good on you both!

Lastly, there’s one more DJ whom I want to talk about – Ika from MixFM. Would someone do me a favour; take a shotgun and shoot this radio hyena. Thank you.
April 06, 2006 // anjali* pranced on tip-toes all over the keyboard at 10:19 am
|