stuck in reverse* 

It’s funny how sometimes a simple phone call can jolt you to connect with some grave emotions. This happened yesterday when I about to leave the house to Bukit Gasing for some sweating session.

The number was unfamiliar. And so was the voice on the other end. Then I realized it was P, my ex. With his constant hesitancy, deep down I understood the key agenda of the call. But I lingered on with other topics before I asked him, “I heard you are getting married.”

Pause.

“Yes, I am.” And the tone was a sad one.

All I could offer was my heartiest congratulatory, with pure sincerity. I do wish him and his new bride well, even though I was unsure about this choice. Yet, who am I to judge.

So why the call? I could only assume that maybe he needed to close the chapter. Our chapter. Once and for all. And start with a new chapter.

As for me, I’ve closed the chapter a long time ago. But once in a while, there are some loose pages which manage to creep out and instill new paralyzing fears to love again. I tried with Jess. And the pain is still too great, though it was at a different degree from the last. I don’t think I want to go through that ever again. The hopeless feeling.

Am I stuck in reverse? Not really. More of being in the emo parking mode. It’s not as gloomy as it sounds, I’ve changed for the better, physically and emotionally.

Anyway, I think it’s apt to post the turmoil story which I wrote in end 2003. I think the question posed is still valid. Do let me know if you have the answer…

Best.
October 11, 2005 // anjali* pranced on tip-toes all over the keyboard at 8:44 am
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