anjalispeaks*

10 ways to be a lovable tyrant*

"You talkin bout me?"

It’s tough being a pet these days. So much is expected of you, but it’ll be a breeze if you know where to press the right buttons. Then you can get away with murder and still be loved to death! Smokey da Bandit paves the way for all tomcats…

1. Make her think she's da boss.
Let your owner think she owns you. When she calls you, answer her even if you prefer to continue napping. But everyone else knows you are the one in charge coz she’s the one who feeds you, places clean water in your bowl, clears the poo, bathes you, combs you and showers you with everlasting love. And you don’t even have to pay her a single cent!

2. Stalk her at home.
Be the first thing she sees when she wakes up (Bear with those killer breaths!) and the last thing, before she sleeps. Occasionally, remind her of your existence by wagging your tail on her face. Make it your hobby to follow her everywhere in the house – in the kitchen, in the room, on her bed, on the sofa, in the bathroom, everywhere. Never let her leave your sight – she will misinterpret this stalking as ‘love’, when you just want to irritate the shit out of her.

3. When she leaves for work, show her your “I'll miss you” face.
That will break her heart and you can guarantee she will make it a point to come back early. Just so you can irritate her more.

4. Wait for her return, by the door.
And greet her with a loving “Mememmeoowww. Eow.” (Translation – I missed you! Not.)

5. Be adorable. Be cute.
Girls like her are a sucker for cute faces. So it helps if you are better looking than Antonio Banderas. Err, I mean Puss in Boots.

6. Allow her to coo sweet nothings to you.
Learn to temporarily deafen your ears when she does her “Oooh, you so handsome”, “Who gave birth to you, O you handsome one?”, “Wah Liau, you so gorgeous”, “So hamsem you, you so hamsem”…let her be. Occasionally, just give out a lame “Meooww” (Translation – I know!).

7. Give her things to do in the house.
Make a mess of the house so that she will have more reasons to be in the house on weekends. When it's in spick and span condition, wait an hour before turning it upside down again.

8. Make her share her food.
When she eats, stare at her with your petrifying cute “I’m hungry” look. She is sure to give you all the best meat. Then you’re able to taste other culinary goodies than just the dry cat food. Eww.

9. Be useful, once in a while.
Kill the house lizards, or the cockroach, if there’s no mouse in the house. Show her your warrior skills. Show her the great tomcat that you are. Be her hero.

10. When all else fails, do your killer pose.
Show her your dollops! Heh.

July 18, 2005 // anjali* pranced on tip-toes all over the keyboard at 9:45 pm
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