diary of a mad viagra housewife* 

Found this in my loony bin. Damn funny. Enjoy!

Day 1 - Just celebrated our 25th anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the
bathroom and cried.

Day 2 - Today he told me he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent,
he says, and wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me
something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break! He's been dysfunctional
for so long, he even WALKS with a limp!!

Day 3 - This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs you know!
Sometimes I need something too! Yesterday, I saw a picture of the
Washington Monument and burst into tears!

Day 4 - A miracle has happened!! There's an new drug on the market that
will fix his "problem". It's call Viagra. I told him that if he takes
Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He
asked me if this time I would say HIS name at the "glorious moment".

Day 5 - Oh what a glorious morning!! The sun is shining, the birds are
singing. My needs have been fulfilled. Everything is perfect.

Day 6 - Again?

Day 7 - This Viagra thing is going to his head. (No pun intended)
Yesterday, at Burger King, the kid behind the counter asked him if he
wanted a whopper. He told him, "No thanks. I've already got one."

Day 8 - I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of
mowing the lawn, he was using his new "friend" as a weed wacker.

Day 9 - Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so
much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard
cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't working anymore. What am I going to
do?

Day 10 - I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with
Black and Decker.

Day 11 - I wish he was gay. I've bought him 20 Liza Minelli albums and
the Sweatin' to the Oldies tape and he keeps coming after me.

Day 12 - Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut
my eyes, there's a sneak attack!! It's like going to bed with a scud
missile!

Day 13 - I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing works. I even
started dressing like a nun. He says penguins turn him on.

Day 14 - I can't take it anymore. I think I'm going to have to kill him.
I just worry about one thing - how will they ever get the lid to close
on his casket??

December 06, 2004 // anjali* pranced on tip-toes all over the keyboard at 11:28 pm
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