the love of my life* 

The year was 1999. The year I partied like crazy with the Purple Highness. I was about to embark on the best relationship in my whole entire life. Not that I have a lot of relationships to begin with. Ha. But that's not the point.

But anyway, I chanced upon this relationship due to sheer desperation. Life sucked big time. Had two dumbwits in my life - one for a big boss and one for a boyfriend. Between the two, I was forced to the wall. And Spidey, I was not - so I was trapped. With no way out.

That's when Gin asked me, kindly, and sincerely, if I would like to visit her church. "Maybe Jesus can help," she said. "Please. Give it a try. What do you have to lose?"

So off to her church I went on that sunny October Sunday. Worship session has started. "I am gonna regret this", I silently hit myself by the rear end. Mentally, that is. By the second worship song, I felt a kaleidoscope of emotions toiling within me. It welled up and the dam broke. I could not hold myself and the tear duct. "Now, who's the dumbwit, dumbwit?," I silently asked myself.

The tear ducts behaved themselves during the sermon. I had taught them well, I supposed. Right after the service, a brother Caleb offered to pray. "I wanted to feel peace again,' I told him. Emotions ran high and the dam broke for the second round. Then I heard a louder cry beside me. I sneaked open my wet eyelids only to see Gin crying worst than me. That immediately stopped all my tears. Gosh, I thought I was the one in pain and here she is crying like a cow!

"I didn't know what came over me! I felt so much of pain and I just could not control myself!", Gin confessed during lunch. We still laugh about this incident till today.

Anyway, the next day, I went to work as usual. But it was not an ordinary day. When I came face-to-face with the Boss Dumbwit, I was emotionally numb. I had no feeling. No hate. No evil thoughts. No 'Psycho' knife pose. No nothing. I just felt peace. Like I had no care in the world. The burden has been lifted.

This is great. Jesus, if this is your work. Thank you. I can really feel this peace within me. Thank you. You are really alive and real. I cannot explain this, but I thank you.

I accepted Christ as my Lord and Saviour that following Friday. During cell! It just felt right. And that's sufficient.

From then on, Jesus has been very real - in every single course of my life. He has been there, without fail. Looking after me. Knocking me on the head when I act silly. Beat me to my own sarcasm. And dark sense of humour. Protecting me. Whispering sweet nothings to me. Remind me of unhealed scars and help me to close the chapters. Tucked me to a deep, peaceful slumber. Waking me up in the middle of the night to yak away my blues. My unfailing on-the-dot alarm clock. Kissed me with a ray of warm sunshine on weekend mornings. My moondance. My confidante at desperate hours. My greatest joy at my best hours. My best friend, always. Rain or shine.

And I never looked back...Never need to.

Jesus, I love you lots. And lots. And though I have been feeling extremely blue this past month, I know my soul must sing. Coz I have found you.

"The Lord is my Shephard. I shall not want."

(Note: Read another similar dedication called 'Perfect Man')

July 12, 2004 // anjali* pranced on tip-toes all over the keyboard at 11:33 am
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