buat donno* 

Sometimes I feel I am my worst enemy. I know my actions at times reign high on the 'Stupendous Ridiculous - You Have To See It To Believe It' totem pole, but I ended up doing it anyway.

The latest act just happened recently.

See, there is this guy, Jess, whom I am so, so crazy about.

How crazy?

Crazy to think of him every day and night.
Crazy to dream of him.
Crazy to dream of him and me.
Crazy to pray for him.
Crazy to pray for him and me.
Crazy to wanting to believe he's my soul mate.
Crazy wondering what he is doing, while I'm thinking of him.
Crazy to lose appetite over him.
Crazy to tell close girlfriends about him.
Crazy to look beyond his many physical flaws.

So the story continues...

It came to my attention that Jess was going to be in this certain function, which I will be attending too. I suffered from massive diarrhoea, simply from the excitement to meeting him again. This went on for more than a week. My stomach was like middle-earth wars between colonies of butterflies!

Besides that, my head was making countless checklists...
What should I wear?
How to style my hair?
Which lip colour would bring out my best pout in the yellow lights?
How to smile? I practiced my most beautiful smile, in case he remembers me and comes over to chat.
Which is the best "Hello"? Or should I just say "Hi!" just to be friendlier.
I envisioned our conversation and planned my answers. What to say and how to say them.

My migraine was soaring high.

And the actual night came.

The butterflies were heating up more than ever. I entered the room, with hand on heart, all ready to catch it in case it decides to catapult from too much excitement. My eyes surfed the room. Target located - I saw him. He was sitting at a front table with a couple of friends. And I believe, for a fraction of a second, I caught his eye...Oh God, what now??? I managed a shy smile and an acknowledging nod.

He smiled and waved a friendly hello. He got up from his chair and walked towards me.

"Hey, good to see you! I was hoping you would come."

"Really?"

"Yeah. We didn't get the chance to talk the last time. I've been thinking of you. And I was hoping I could get to know you better tonight. If you don't mind sharing."

Of course I don't mind sharing, silly. What's mine is all yours to take...
"Err...okay. Conversations are good."

"Great".
"It's a bit noisy here. Why don't we move to that corner? It's quieter."

"That'll be nice. Good idea." (The tone came out right - very poised, with a right touch of encouragement, perfectly masking the adrenaline and horniness rushing in my bloodstream. In another word, I didn't squeak. And that's good. Very good.)

Jess got me a drink. He held my right hand and chaperons me to the quiet corner. We spoke and laughed, for hours. We share the same sarcastic sense of humour - and that's rare. And what's really funny is at times; neither of us has to finish the sentence to burst in unison laughter, totally knowing what's coming next. There were interruptions, in between, and I welcomed them. My heart needed time-out, before the mad thumping begins, for another round.

He was exactly the person I envisioned him to be. Intelligent. Witty. Funny. Confident, yet humble. Warm. Affectionate. Very real.

Dawn breaks. I told him I had to go. I have a 9.30 am meeting, so I need to go home and freshen up. Maybe need to have multi cups of Nescafe Kaww.

"Can I see you again? Can I call you sometime?"

"I'd really liked that." I said, followed by my well-practiced smile.

We exchanged numbers. He walked me to my car. As we said our goodbyes, he leaned over, gave me a warm hug and then a peck on the cheek. (I'd never wash that cheek again!)

"I really had a great time."

"Me too. Bye. Rest well and take care."

"You take care too, y'hear. I'll call you."

Yay! I've made the connection. We've done the communicado! He has my number. And I have his! He wanted to call me again! He enjoyed talking to me. He asked me to take care!

Whoa...Down, girl!

Pant. Pant. Pant. Pant. Pant. Pant. Pant.

Well, I'd be one happy girl if all those ever took place. In real life, ya. But sadly, all those happened only in my head. In my dreams.

Here's what really happened, in my black and white world. Let's rewind and get back in the plot.

And I believe, for a fraction of a second, I caught his eye...I froze and automatically put up my invisible shield and shifted to my "Buat Donno" gear. I auto cruised on that gear the whole night. Jess walked around and passed me by many times. And every single time when I saw him coming near, I just turned away and pretended to be busily engrossed in my conversation with a girlfriend, to even notice he existed.

I tried to shift to the "Be nice and friendly and approachable" mode, but I couldn't.

The night was a disaster. I ignored him totally, the whole entire night.

When the function ended, I walked myself to my car, feeling totally disgusted. Even the butterflies abandoned me and picked a new war zone.

Not even an meek exchange of "Hi".
Why? Why was I being so silly? All the preparations for nothing!!!

I had specifically, successfully ignored the one person who mattered the most. I had totally blew it! Communicado, my foot!

I have no explanation to my action.

Mark of "Love, Actually" called it self-preservation. I think it's just plain stupidity.

Yeah.

Just plain Stupid me.

January 17, 2004 // anjali* pranced on tip-toes all over the keyboard at 2:04 am
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